When British Intelligence agents leap from their billets each morning and convene for their usual breakfast of mutton chop and a modest glass of port, the talk is always of one thing; what has been designated as racist today? Well, let us look towards whiteness, as always. In, 2019, a year in which milk, Ivanka Trump’s doggie, and all male writers who are not from the Congo, were all designated as vile instances of white supremacy, we suppose it was only a matter of time before the Klieg lights of political correctness were trained on… chess.
Two young men, Anish Giri and Magnus Carlsen, are aficionados – grandmasters, in fact - of the most famous strategy game ever invented, but they are far from happy. The reason for their discontent? Chess is a bastion of white privilege because – I think you’ve beaten us to it – white moves first.
We here at BI hope that this grave historical wrong is righted before burning crosses begin appearing on the lawns of St. Louis and the streets of Baltimore are infested with white frat boys bearing baseball bats and seeking people of colour whom they may devour.
But we have a solution. Perhaps we could just designate everything as racist unless the Left say otherwise. Come on, give us a few morsels that won’t make us feel guilty for everything oppressive we have done for centuries past. Throw us some crumbs from your exalted table. Just make sure it’s not white bread.