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Experts have confirmed that Bogey 'n' Bacall would most likely not have whined on social media or sung Imagine

A singer called Sam Smith has joined a host of other celebrities on social media to update us all on his trials during the current interesting times in which we live (Chinese virus, Chinese proverb. Why not?).

We have never heard of him, but then when it comes to Sinatra, we’re as yet undecided if we dig that kind o’ croonin’, chum. He is obviously a bloke and, in keeping with most white male singers now, looks as though he has just walked out of a lift in Croydon’s Whitgift Centre on his way to but some training shoes. Black male singers do at least make a bit more effort to be showbiz, even though they all, right down to the grimiest grime star and the most finger-jabby rap thug, look utterly and irredeemably as gay as a yellow feather duster.

Anyway, Sam is self-quarantining, and it is not going well. One would have thought that in a £12 million mansion (he must be awfully good at singing) he would have had something built in to help him bide time. A library, say, or a cinema full of proper films. But no. Head in hands, Sam has taken to the idiot’s agora of social media to bemoan his (yes, we’ll get to the ‘his’ bit in a tick) fate. He is finding it difficult, as difficult as he would find it reading this, as we have just ‘misgendered’ (did you know that you don’t actually have to add inverted commas to words like ‘misgendered’? Reality does it for you) him several times. He is, he dutifully informs us, ‘non-binary’, which does not mean that there is only one of him, and has the preferred pronoun ‘they’. We have several preferred adjectives for Mr. Smith. The late Mark E. Smith, headmaster of the band John Peel used call ‘The Mighty Fall’ - would not have behaved like this, more probably finding Smith’s mansion and beating ‘them’ up.

Of course, celebrities are coming to terms with the fact that they are not the centre of attention, and are taking to social media like morons to a supermarket toilet-roll aisle. Madonna, always over-rated even at the height of her fame, is now struggling to cope with what age is going to do with her fading hooker looks, and so she took to her bathtub to tell the world that ‘coronavirus is a great equaliser’. The milky white bath water was strewn with rose-petals, and a breathless media wondered what the response would be. Instead of, ‘piss off, you gap-toothed skank’, there actually was a response, as there always will be, to these people. Celebrities, as Homer Simpson once wisely said. Is there nothing they don’t know?

Naturally, not everyone purrs like a tickled cat when these automated mannequins open their mouths. You are reading this, and are therefore probably uninterested in the parade of Z-listers singing John Lennon’s vile song Imagine, a hypocritical piece of trash extolling communism recorded by a man who – along with his rat-faced and anti-talented girlfriend (who we still don’t forgive Mark Chapman for missing with six bastard shots) - used to have a room at their mansion kept at a special temperature the better to preserve their fur coats.

But the media are interested in these creatures, and so it looks like the whole world is. There have been, it should be said, nods to the real celebrities in these infected times, health staff in particular. But even then the Left – in the UK at least – are queueing up to explain that their job is made even more difficult by the fact that the evil Conservative Party – who are conservative in the same way that tribute bands are the actual bands themselves – have made so many cuts that poor brown LGBTQ folk will most likely die. The same Leftists make no mention of the strain put on the NHS by wholly unnecessary cohorts of diversity officers infesting every NHS trust – a Leftist requirement no one dares question – a lengthy queue of gender reassignment patients having operations which will make them even madder – a Leftist requirement no one dares question – and the A&E departments full of stabbed kids who would not have been stabbed if people like Sadiq Khan hadn’t done away with stop and search – a Leftist requirement no one dares question. The right did not hobble the NHS. Leftist policies stretching back 50 years saw to that.

As for U2 writing a song for coronavirus, do us a favour, will you? If any of you can do that Terminator thing of going back in time to alter history, don’t bother strangling Hitler in his crib or bribing Stalin’s wet-nurse to make with arsenic in the baby-bottle. Get back to Ireland and find Bono’s parents, and make sure you are a better shot than Mark Chapman.

Photo credit: National Motion Picture Council

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